The other day I received a phone call from an old friend. It was great to hear from him, since it’s often tough to stay in touch with beloved companions from the past. The conversation started out with recollecting some of the crazy times we used to have while drunk or drugged. I steer clear of those kind of conversations these days, as I’m in a completely different place, but I will absolutely have a few laughs over my ghosts of bad decisions past once in a while.
Then I tried to bring the conversation back to the present, by bringing up my daughter, my holistic nutrition business, my clean lifestyle, my continuing education, and my clean eating cleanse that I’ve been working on so diligently. He was as quiet as a church mouse the entire time I was talking. So quiet that a few times I thought he’d hung up; I would ask “Are you there?” and he would respond, “Yeah, just listening.” At the chance that I might be talking too much (it happens; all these things excite me and I could fill hours talking about them) I asked what he was up to, and what was new and good in his life. To that question, his response was “Man, you’ve changed, I should get going” and the conversation ended.
I’ve been thinking a lot about that conversation over the last couple of days. Honestly, it’s been eating at me a bit. First, I contemplated whether I’m a fraud. Second, I wondered if I should bring up the good things, the things I’m proud of in my life, in order to avoid dampening someone’s spirit, if they’re not in the same place as I am. Third, I asked myself whether I’m really happier now than I was back then.
It’s funny how one conversation can shake your foundation, mentally and spiritually, and create self-doubt and confusion. I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
After contemplating the entire exchange, I’ve come to some conclusions:
– My life is no longer about fitting in
– It took a very long time to get here, but I am now 100% focused on personal growth
– I’m taking risks to live the life I’ve always dreamed of
– I’m devoting my life to help others
– I’m devoting my life to be the best dad and partner that I can possibly be
– I want to be an example and no longer a curse
– The past has made me who I am, but it does not define who I am
When the time comes, I look forward to talking to my dear friend again, and I hope with all of my heart that he’s found some kind of happiness in his life.