Are you sick of all the do-gooders trying to tell you what to eat and drink, how to exercise, how to meditate, how to LIVE?
Don’t you just want to DO WHAT YOU WANT?
Don’t you just want to EAT and DRINK WHAT YOU WANT, and what TASTES GOOD?
Well, then these tips are for you, my friend:
Put that beautiful white powder on everything! Like cereal in the morning? Try adding 5-10 tablespoons of sugar in the mix. You’ll know you have added enough when you’re milk + cereal + sugar ratio turns into a gravy like substance. Enjoy!
2. Fast Food
Whatever, everything is bad for you these days! I recommend trying a combo of 3 or 4 different fast food restaurants in one sitting. A delicious go-to is a Chilli-Cheese-Whopper-Mac… It’s like a build your own burger from heaven! Be sure to add a biggie fry + onion rings + hash brown. Throw them in the empty bag, add A LOT of salt, then shake the bag until everything is properly covered. Enjoy!
Disgusting. Skip them, unless they’re deep-fried, of course.
4. Deep-Fried Foods
Is there anything in the universe better than deep-fried foods? Go big and get a deep-fryer for your home kitchen. Throw EVERYTHING in it. Deep-fried Twinkies? Lame. Put some bread crumbs on a stick of butter, then drop that bastard in the deep-fryer for a bit. DIVINE. And, when using your deep-fryer, be sure to use:
5. Polyunsaturated Vegetable Oils
Trans-fats and inflammation? Whatever. How about transcendental taste and inflamed love!
6. Processed High-Carb Diet
Bagels, donuts, and pasta taste amazing. How can you eat a burger without a bun? How can you have pasta without bread for dipping? How? Tell me! If you’re a square, and you insist on staying slim, be sure to stick to your:
7. Low-Fat Diet
It’s a simple mantra and it makes so much sense: fat makes you fat. There are so many low-fat options at the grocery store, foods that SEEM bad but aren’t, because they’re low-fat! Low fat = HEALTHY. Bring on the Snackwells!
8. A Calorie is a Calorie is a Calorie
Caloric value is what matters most. Forget about food affecting hormones and the parts of the brain that control our eating habits. Go for ice cream and donuts instead of eggs and potatoes.
Dear God, the organic movement is so annoying! Why worry about pesticides? Want free fruit and vegetables? Go to a factory farm right after they spray. Bring your truck and load up! No one will be around and you can take your treasures home (and throw them directly into your deep fryer). If you happen to get lightheaded while snatching up your fruits and veggies, it’s probably just because of the heat. Don’t be a wimp.
10. Factory Meat
You’ve probably heard all about antibiotics, hormones, GMO feed, and the gross mistreatment of animals by industrial meat providers by now, right? Good news! You don’t have to worry about it. You’ve been eating this stuff your whole life and you’re perfectly fine, right? And for the abused animals, they are food, END OF STORY. Who cares. Get over it and EAT UP.
What’s the deal with everyone getting “centered” these days? Mindfulness? Huh? It’s just some new age BS to make people feel important about themselves. If you’ve got problems, shut them deep inside like people have always done. What’s wrong with that? And if you’re feeling really off, you can always load up on:
It’s called a happy hour for good reason: alcohol makes you happy! But try changing the hour to day or week or month or year. You’ll always feel good, with no let downs. Plus, it’s the best way to get to sleep, fast.
Exercise is fine and good if you have the time. All those people posting pics from the gym, showing off yoga poses, status updates about the six miles they just ran in two minutes; whatever, some people just have too much time on their hands. I heard that some famous runner dropped dead of a heart attack while participating in a marathon, or something. You can totally get enough exercise at work or having sex once or twice a year.
14. Processed Food
People make WAY too big a deal about processed foods. Why would food companies KNOWINGLY create addictive food, overconsumption of which can lead to obesity, addiction, diseases, and worse? It’s TOTALLY a conspiracy theory.
You don’t need it. There is water in coffee, beer, tea, soda, and practically everything else. So, you drink water everyday, without even thinking about it! If you happen to want a glass of water to quench your thirst, be sure to go straight for the water out of your bathroom sink. Don’t worry about filtration systems and all that garbage. Someone is trying to make money off of you.
16. Margarine and Fake Butter
These are low-fat, and some are even fat-free! At certain stores you can even find a butter-like spray! So what if there are artificial ingredients and preservatives. I read all my books on a device, that’s artificial! Stay away from the fat and go for brighter colors and convenience. Like the packaging says, they’re “Heart Healthy!”
17. Food Dye
All the tasty foods contain food dye: cereals, sports drinks, cheese, candies, cake mixes, macaroni and cheese. You’ve probably heard that they’re banned in many other countries because they’re derived from petroleum, and can cause brain cancer, hyperactivity in children, and a damaged immune system. Well, those other countries are not the good ol’ US of A, and I know that my country would never KNOWINGLY allow toxic substances into the food chain. That’s just crazy talk!
18. Air Fresheners and Cleaning Solutions
Thylene-based glycol ethers, Terpenes and Paradichlorobenzene can react with ozone in the air to form a poisonous combination, so say the experts. Again, people getting up in arms over nothing. What are we supposed to use instead? You can’t make cleaning solutions or air fresheners at home unless you’re some kind of scientist, and it’s easier to just spend a couple bucks on something that really works!
19. Conventional Deodorant, shampoos, hair spray, and fragrances
Many of these products contain chemical additives called Phthalates. Some college somewhere said that they can cause reproductive and developmental problems. They also said that they are found in toys, baby rattlers, teething rings and rubber duckies for kids. California and Washington banned the use of Phthalates in children’s products.
Again, don’t worry about it. The government would never allow dangerous compounds in products that we use every day, especially in toys that our children play with! Sounds like people are paranoid, and I bet someone is trying make money off of this claim with their “natural” products. I just know it.
20. Soda Pop
What goes better with potato chips, pizza, burgers and burritos than soda? Answer: NOTHING. You might have heard all kind of negative statements being made about the bubbly nectar of the gods: that it contains tons of sugar or artificial sweeteners, including aspartame, sucralose, and/or saccharin. That it can cause obesity, cavities, out-of-control behavior in people with ADD and ADHD. That it has dangerously high acidity and even some reports of containing rat pee. Wrong, wrong, wrong! You’re telling me that the company featuring those delightfully-adorable polar bear commercials over the holidays would be promoting such a sinister liquid? No way. These producers must be good people who want to see the world in perfect harmony.
Did I miss anything?
Christopher Hostetler is the founder of Do Not Die Young – Integrative Health & Nutrition Coaching. He’s a proud father, gunshot survivor, musician, writer and Muay Thai enthusiast residing in Los Angeles. He has made self evolution through nutrition, lifestyle, and mental and physical wellness his life’s work.
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